If the last few years have taught me anything, it would be that things don’t always go as planned. This isn't a bad thing either, in fact amazing things happened. We rode some serious waves, and it got real tough real fast. Fear, loss, pain and reflection, deep personal realizations, personal resolutions, frustration, and maybe a lot of anger. From that came gigantic leaps of faith, love, laughter, understandings, healthy compromises, and freedom.
In time, and at the right moment I will talk about all of these things, and so much more. But for right now, I guess I should talk about where we, my husband and I, are today. Today we no longer answer to others. We have no bosses, except for each other and our cat, Chachi. He needs not say much, but he definitely calls some serious shots around here…meow! Today we are entrepreneurs, hunters, and gatherers. All while navigating a household with 2 children, and awaiting the July 2016 arrival of child #3. I think we might be adding chickens soon, and must learn how to manage that as well…and we’ve been in the market for over 2 years now for the right puppy to come along. Luckily the 5 frogs are low maintenance. The girls want fish and birds…live bait for boss Chachi.
We have an 8 year old, who is generally quite, a bit shy at times, and yet so full of life and love. As time goes by, I can’t help but think that she is exactly like me and it’s pointed out a few things to me that I need to work on. When she opens up she’s just an amazing little adult with endless potential. She has a ton to give, but isn’t always sure how to dish it out. We as parents, are doing our best to give her the confidence she needs to excel without limits. She has amazing artistic talents, she comes up with some pretty amazing pictures done with various mediums. She brings me things that sometimes blow me away! She’s also my reader, and I hope one day she will know how to write, at least for herself.
Then we have the 5 year old. This one is a ball of love and tenderness but carries the wrath of fire. This fire appears in a fraction of a second when triggered and wow it is powerful! Today she had me write out a promissory note that stated in her own words that I would give her a turquoise necklace that my father brought me from Cairo. She liked this piece so much that she hid it deep in a little box in my room. I have been looking for this necklace for at least a year. Just found it the other day as I was purging my room. So when I “get bored of it, mommy will give her the pretty blue necklace”. A prime example of one of the many levels of her fire. Smart, deadly, and smiles so nicely.
I have a yard that I have ongoing battles with. In short, we went from the craziest overgrown yard to a kind of sorta easy yard to maintain. My battle these days is it’s really a lot of yard. There are gardens of various sorts all around with lots of room to run around. Even toned down by like 90%, it’s still a lot to maintain, and garden time hasn’t been on my side. I have decided that I can no longer keep up with the tender clean freak I once was. With kids, I would spend all my days keeping house. Yes, they do a lot themselves, but I don’t expect them to do the parts that I do. So my house these days, is just really well lived in. When it gets bad I do serious cleaning and then let it relax a bit. I’m trying to get out of this at least a little. It’s hard to do when you’ve taken like a 3 year break from doing it everyday.
I have gone through intense therapy at the Skagit County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services, and I owe a ton to these other women for the help they provided me in my acceptance, understanding, healing, and moving on from the violence I once barely lived to tell. The things you learn about others and yourself when going through this kind of therapy is overwhelming, and in good ways! Looking back, it’s unbelievable how tightly I managed to bottle everything up and hide it from others without ever talking to anyone about it. It would have slowly consumed me. I feel I am now free of it, and have managed to let it go.
I have let go of a lot of things, and a lot of people that were holding me back from growing into who I am suppose to be. Some of these people I have let go, no longer have whatever hold they had on me. I am free of them, and they can continue to make their own environments toxic for themselves. I will be absent from it. The other people I have chosen to distance myself with, all have good intentions, but I see some serious emotional and mental issues that I don’t want to pass onto my daughters. The cycle of denial, sickness, and innocent ignorance stops with me. I will not allow it to be passed on any longer. This too, has only allowed for growth in me as a wife and mother.
I will end this note with “Money For Nothing” by Dire straights. Goodnight!
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